He's leaving home, bye, bye

When my older son Noah was preparing to leave for college, the realization that our family dynamic would forever change hit me like a Looney Tunes falling piano. Not only would our day-to-day interactions change, my role as Mom would too. 

From MOM to mom

That capital “M” would be kicked to the curb, and in its place a flimsy, lowercase one would take its place. My son would be off on his own. Living his life. Independent. I knew it was the natural course of things—and was quite proud of him—but this change was an emotional whopper for me.

I’d spent nearly two decades caring for my boys, at the ready 24/7, being needed. Obviously parenting is a challenging responsibility, but it felt purposeful and meaningful, the most important role I’d ever had. Their departure challenged a major part of my core identity.

Apparently, I was not alone. In 2021, 98% of parents whose children were leaving for college experienced grief, especially after living so closely during the pandemic lockdown.

Rediscovering my purpose

Aidan, my younger son, would be flying the coop shortly thereafter, so the anticipatory anxiety continued. I needed to recalibrate my sense of self, contemplate who I was beyond Noah and Aidan’s parent, reconsider my purpose and how I wanted to contribute both personally and professionally going forward. 

I had been working as a freelance writer and editor while raising the kids, so thankfully I wasn’t starting from scratch. However, I did need to consider what really mattered, how I could expand my professional practice, and what else I’d been neglecting while focusing primarily on my children.

The piles under the rug

Without the outward focus of my kids, challenges I’d been able to sublimate or at least compartmentalize came back to haunt me, which made their absence all the more marked. I assumed at that point in my life my husband and I would be settled with a cozy nest, but that was hardly the case.

I was forced to reckon with the loss of the home we built in Berkeley (that I assumed would be our forever home) and the reality of living in a rental we thought we’d stay in for just one year (that turned into nearly ten). Dr. Ged Smith from the Association for Family Therapy describes this experience as a “perfect storm of crises,” where other issues are also at play. Not only was I dealing with the loss of my sons at home, but the loss of my home as well—and all it represented.

Overcoming hurdles

I tried a range of modalities—psychotherapy, hypnosis, gratitude practices, guided meditation and more. What ultimately made the most lasting difference for me involved a combination of writing and talking. I signed up for a course called Wild Writing, where we'd put pen to paper following a prompt, then read our pieces aloud. Hearing from others who were just as vulnerable as I was helped me feel less alone. 

It’s been eight years since that turning point in my life. I now support others navigating challenging transitions through my practice, UPSWING COACHING. I bring not only firsthand experience to my work, but also a master’s in counseling psychology, a professional certification in coaching, and special coursework in therapeutic writing.

If you need support as the kids leave home—or are experiencing a significant life change—feel free to reach out. I offer a complimentary discovery call to make sure we’re a good fit.

I look forward to connecting with you.

Aidan spotting me in the crowd at UCLA's graduation